How I went from feeling shut down, stuck, and disconnected to having more relationship riches than I can shake a stick at.
…it took a lot of mistakes.
I was not happy for most of my life. Other people hurt me very badly. And I passed on the pain – I hurt other people.
I didn’t know what to do with the feelings that overwhelmed me.
I didn’t know how to get out of my head, where I was often trapped in spiraling unpleasant thoughts.
I didn’t know what to do with the voice in my head that would relentlessly criticize me.
And I certainly didn’t know how to manage all this while staying in healing, productive, fun connection with other people.
I was living from a set of rules that weren’t mine – I didn’t know exactly what they were, what they meant, or where they came from.
I took jobs for the wrong reasons. I taught abroad because I thought the challenge and novelty of travel would make me strong and fulfilled… but I was actually running away from looking at myself. I took nonprofit work because I felt so guilty for the people suffering… but the work felt like trudging through mud.
In my personal life I kept thinking that I just needed to try harder, that if I just applied more willpower I’d be able to be strong, smart, and successful. I’d commit to meditating, or exercising, or staying sober… and it would work for a few weeks or months. Then I’d burn out, feel exhausted, hate the habits I had implemented in my own life, and swear off the whole thing.
I was constantly in inner conflict, pulled in different directions, unable to chart a straight course.
And when I did seem to be accomplishing my goals, they didn’t satisfy me! The payoff never came. The only time I genuinely felt pleasure was when i was in my addictive behaviors, and then my pleasure was mixed with shame.
The worst of it was that I was alone. There was absolutely no one who understood me – not even me.
I hit bottom. For me, that looked like a panic attack and the realization that my life could always get worse.
I did the scariest thing I could do: I asked for help.
You can be happy. All it takes is the right support.
How?